For people who love ranch dressing, the bond delves much deeper than a simple topping for salads. It’s the sauce you unabashedly cover everything in, especially anything you’d find at a tailgate, frat party or bar: pizza? Yes. Wings? Of course. Cauliflower cups? Why the hell not?!
It’s no wonder it’s become America’s most popular dressing, and after cornering the market, Hidden Valley’s decided to fully embrace people’s obsession with ranch — and launch a whole new revenue stream — with an online store devoted to the condiment. On March 10 (AKA that most sacred of holidays, National Ranch Dressing Day), the brand revealed the Hidden Valley Ranch Outlet. It’s unclear why it’s an outlet store, as the prices aren’t reduced and we have yet to hear of a ranch primary store, but you can soon overlook those details when you consider the swag it offers:
A Ranch Fountain
You may be thinking, “Isn’t that a chocolate fountain, branded with a Hidden Valley logo?” Maybe. Possibly. STOP POKING HOLES IN OUR DREAMS, OKAY?!
But, when you think about it, the fountain’s kind of brilliant. Who wouldn’t want one at their party? Just imagine the dipping opportunities: chicken tenders, jalapeño poppers, your bare hands. Don’t let society’s narrow-minded definitions of what’s acceptable hold you back.
A Bejeweled Bottle
For the true ranch collector, there’s no better way to celebrate the condiment than with this bejeweled bottle. Imagine it on your mantelpiece, next to that photo of your family, your royal wedding commemorative plate collection, and that framed napkin of the grease stain that looks remarkably like Guy Fieri.
Band tees are so 1970 to 2016. This year, the edgiest look to rock is a shirt that displays just how devoted you are to the dressing. Consider it a new mantra for life.
A Ranch Koozie
Because your bottle’s not a regular bottle, it’s a cool bottle. (Or rather, you hope to keep it cooler longer with this insulator.)
But wait, that’s not all! The online store also sells notecards, sweatshirts, backpacks, and tote bags, though sadly, the latter won’t dispense several bottles’ worth, like our wine purse hack. That’s okay, though. It gives ranchaholics something to dream about, should Hidden Valley come out with a new line for fall. New York Fashion Week would never be the same.
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